This week, my dad is in town and we spent a couple of days hanging out. But this time, it’s different.
It’s been a little over a decade since I moved to Dubai and when my dad used to visit, I would feel drained.
There was a lot of blaming from my side. And although I didn’t share it with him directly (I did it through energy work), it was something that stood in the way of a healthy relationship with him.
I won’t share details. But basically, he wasn’t the ideal father figure in the sense that he didn’t protect me from a narcissistic abusive mother. Plus, he’s the avoidant type. He simply avoids conflict and stays in his man cave. He also made me feel that I’m not good enough throughout my entire life (and used to until I did inner child work and integrated the process).
This post is not about the past. I shared the story to show the magnitude and complexity of the relationship.
To heal this relationship, I did the following:
- Went through the emotions of not feeling worthy. When he would visit, I would go through the emotions. I never avoided the meetings. Then, I practiced feeling worthy even when he doesn’t think I am.
- Did shadow work at a meditation center in Italy.
- Completed inner child therapy work in the winter of 2019. It took two years to integrate this type of work because it’s very intense.
- Did a weekend family constellation workshop. Again, energy work.
- Continued to go through the emotions whenever he visited. The bad and the good ones. Most of it was related to feeling unworthy.
- I learned about the male psyche and even attended a two-week wellness retreat in Bali about the topic!
- Another workshop on conscious love or something related to healing the relationship with the masculine.
As you can tell, I’ve done a lot of spiritual growth work related to healing the relationship with the divine masculine.
What I can say is that it’s totally worth it. Although the process takes time to integrate and for things to shift.
What has Shifted?
After two years since the last time I saw my dad (the last time was pre-Covid), I now view him from a different perspective.
I now see him as a human being and not as a father. I accept him for he is as a person – with all of his character flaws.
Although he’s still not the ideal father figure that I would have liked to have, I somehow transcended that phase. As if it doesn’t really matter anymore. He’s a person with limited social skills, he’s eccentric and he’s not communicative or street-smart.
And you know what, that’s OK. He doesn’t have to be anything else. This is his personality. He will not change.
So at 41 years of age, I accept my father for who he is as a person. I don’t judge or blame him for the mistakes that he made as a father. Mainly because I no longer see him as a father figure. I hope it makes sense. It’s something difficult to explain. But basically the only way that I can forgive and move on with my life and have a good relationship with him is to see him as a human being and not as a father.
When I shifted my perception of him and had zero expectations of him (since I no longer attach the father role to him), it made it easy to hang out with him and feel good while doing so.
The time we used to spend together would feel so draining in the past. It now feels more aligned.
And it’s because I did the inner work to heal the relationship. I didn’t ask him to change or to do any work from his side.
My parents never went to therapy. I never went to therapy.
All I did to heal my relationship with the divine masculine was attend a couple of spiritual growth workshops and do a specific type of energy work.
Plus, I did the healing on my own. Which is going through the emotions and feeling them. Even when they felt really bad.
I can’t tell you to see your parents as humans and not as parents. Because I used to get this advice in the past and I could never practice this mindset shift.
The only thing that I can tell you is to invest in yourself by working with a coach or anyone who resonates with your energy.
I don’t recommend therapy because I’m not a fan. I never took medications for anything and I never visited a therapist in my entire life.
Coaching is my thing and I suggest that all the way.
Have you healed your relationship with the divine masculine? If not, do you think you can have a healthy relationship with a man?