You had a deep connection.
It was glorious—everything you’ve ever dreamed of.
He felt like The One. He was finally here.
Then…he dumped you!
When someone you profoundly love breaks up with you, it is one of the worst kinds of pain. It feels like the death of a dear one. In addition to deep sadness, heartbreak can also suck you down into a black hole of dark feelings. Unworthiness, self-rejection, and self-pity are all common feelings you may experience.
Society has taught us that relationships are supposed to last forever and that if yours doesn’t, then you are a failure. Women, in particular, bear the burden of making a relationship work. So, when the relationship ends, many women find themselves in an overwhelming whirlwind of self-doubt, shame, and guilt. It can be so traumatic that it keeps them from moving forward or even attempting to love again.
Unrequited love can brew up all kinds of emotions, even from the most independent of us, but this should not stop you from moving forward to find the love that you deserve.
Been Dumped? What Does It Mean?
When someone you love or with whom you thought you had a deep connection reveals that he doesn’t feel the same way, it is natural to want to make sense of everything. ‘What does it mean that he no longer wants to be with me?’
What’s also natural is the inclination to reel from the pangs of rejection.
‘How could he do this to me?’
‘What did I do wrong?’
‘I should have done more.’
‘It is not possible to love someone like I did him.’
‘I will never meet someone else like him.’
While it is acceptable to feel this way, it is more important to place his actions in a broader context; this might help you to understand what your break up means.
For most people, it takes several breakups and a series of heartaches before they can find a relationship that sticks. Some are lucky to find their “One” sooner rather than later, but many others go through several relationships before finding their ultimate partner.
Not everyone you form a connection with is a good match. They might have some outstanding qualities but may lack others that are important to you and are a must-have in an ideal partner. In this case, you might have to take a pass and move on to find someone who has the qualities you are looking for. In the world of dating and mating, this is known as sorting.
So, wondering why he dumped you? He is merely sorting!
Why Framing His Behavior as Sorting Is Important
Sorting is a natural, healthy, and necessary process that most humans do. When you frame his dumping you this way, you will see that his actions are generally neutral and have nothing to do with you as a person.
That he chose not to move forward with you is not a personal indictment of your worth as a potential lover and partner. He is sorting—something you would do too, to find a good match. Yes, for whatever reason you were not a good match for this person in particular. However, this does not mean that because he did not choose you, then something is wrong with you. It just means that someone else might be a good match for you, and you will find them at some point.
As mentioned, sorting is also something you can do or have probably done in your dating life. Every partner you have had led you to the next one and the next one—that is the grand purpose of this process we call sorting. It is a necessary journey that leads us to our ideal relationship.
Society has conditioned us to believe that unrequited love is an entirely bad thing. But once you understand the concept of sorting, you will see that he did not reject you. Therefore, you do not need to feel rejected and wallow in self-pity and self-hatred. Instead, know he is on a journey of his own for seeking an ideal partner.
The connection you had with him wasn’t for nothing. There were many lessons to be learned from it. Why not take the good and learn from the not-so-good?
What to Do When You Have Been Dumped
While giving yourself a hard time over a break up is one scenario, consider other less painful paths to healing.
Know that you are enough
Breakups can bring with them intense pain, especially when it feels like you had given your all to your partner and the relationship. You might battle with feelings of insecurity, shame, and worthlessness, thinking that he left because you are not enough. This a dark place to be and you do not want to stay in it for too long and give power to it.
Yes, you are allowed to grieve, but you cannot languish in grief for too long. Choose to take responsibility for your self-worth. You are your own source of love. When you stop looking to others for love and validation, you will avoid slipping into a black hole of self-hatred when someone you love does not reciprocate the love or does not act the way you want them to.
By nurturing a deep sense of enough-ness, you’d be able to take breakups less personally. Yes, you will feel pain, disappointment, and emotional turmoil. But you wouldn’t be inclined to feel less worthy because someone chose not to be in a relationship with you.
As you self-validate and take responsibility for your well-being, you will find yourself attracting people who also do the same, and they just might be the match you have been waiting for.
Today, let go of the need for perfection—no one is, and no one should expect you to be. You are enough just as you are.
Become an ardent student of life
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? The Universe makes sure that everything is always happening exactly how it is supposed to happen. In the same respect, you attract people and situations that are supposed to teach you lessons that you have chosen to learn in your journey of evolution.
Difficult as it might be to come to terms with, if you have been dumped it serves a purpose. That lover who walked out on you? He left right on time for you to learn how to take better care of yourself. That other one whom you thought was The One only for him to go? He showed up right on time for you to learn what authentic connection feels like.
Instead of allowing yourself to wallow in feelings of worthlessness, why not take the good with you and learn the lessons from the ‘bad’ experiences. Closing yourself off from learning the lessons simply traps you in a cycle of bitter judgment of yourself and the other person.
On the other hand, being open to learning the lessons allows you to take things less personally. Be objective about your role in the ending of the relationship. You can also discover self-sabotaging behavior, find out what you want and do not want in a partner, and learn how to be a better partner. If you find that your self-sabotaging behaviors contributed to the breakup, forgive yourself.
Do Not Fight Reality
Do not fight reality. Forgive yourself many times over if you need to. Accept that what happened, happened. Then vow not to repeat the same mistakes going forward. There is so much healing in forgiving yourself—it is the highest form of self-love and self-compassion. Do not mistake self-forgiveness for irresponsibility though. Self-forgiveness comes from a place of deep self-acceptance and acceptance of reality, which allows you to take specific actions to make improvements where necessary.
Viewing your breakups as opportunities for learning valuable lessons frees you from shame, guilt, self-hatred, and revenge. Sometimes we are only meant to be with someone for a short time to learn specific essential lessons.
Do not be mistaken—it doesn’t matter how short your relationship was; there was a lesson to be learned, and if you do not take the chance to discover the lesson, you will keep repeating the same mistake until you learn.
Learn to Let Go
Come to terms with the fact that relationships do not have to last forever. We are conditioned to view relationships in an extremely linear, clear-cut way. But as you already know, relationships are hardly ever straightforward—there are ups and downs, highs and lows, beginnings and endings.
Expecting to be with someone forever is a form of negative attachment that only leads to despair and immense pain when you do not get the forever you were planning. Your partners can pick up on this energetic vibration, which comes off as neediness, clinginess, and fear of the future. Unsurprisingly, they might decide to leave if your vibrational frequencies are not in alignment.
Choose to let go of negative attachment. Instead, allow yourself to enjoy the relationship just as it is. This doesn’t mean that you should not plan or have expectations—it means that you are choosing not to be attached to a particular outcome. Allow yourself to relax. Everything will work out just as it is supposed to.
Isn’t non-attachment so freeing? Once you start implementing it, you will find yourself coping better with unrequited love and breakups. Non-attachment may not protect you from pain, but it will allow you to move forward without bitterness toward yourself or the other person.
Honor His Journey
When someone breaks up with us or doesn’t reciprocate the deep love, we feel for them, it can be so easy to view them as the villain. How dare he hurt me like this? He is such a (fill in the negative characteristic or expletive of your choice) for leaving me.
Wow. How is it possible to claim to love someone and in the next moment think so poorly of him and even wish them the very worst? All because he didn’t choose you!
Here’s a secret: The success of your next relationship largely depends on how you wrapped up your last one. If you enter your future relationship with bitterness and all sorts of baggage from the past, why would you expect different results?
Yes, his choice to leave might have hurt you, but for you to heal, you must honor his decision and the path he is on even though you might not understand it. Just as you are on a path to finding your ideal partner, so is he. He is not wrong for not wanting to continue on that path with you, and this is not something you should be bitter and vengeful over.
Just the same way you would like for others to honor your choices and your unique path is the same way you should accept others’ choices and paths. Send well wishes out to the universe to everyone who has ever broken up with you. Thank them for coming to your life and leaving when they did. Pray that their path leads them to their desired destination.
Overcoming a Breakup
Just like non-attachment, honoring other people’s choices is liberating. You are choosing love over vengefulness, peace of mind over self-criticism. You can see that this is not really about you—it is about them and that everyone has their path to traverse. Breathe. Let them go. Wish them well. You owe it to yourself.
Every connection is meant to teach us a lesson—it is your responsibility to learn. For so many of us, it takes several relationships to find the ultimate one. So, when you notice that you are berating yourself for a particular relationship not working, remember that there is nothing inherently wrong with you. If you have been dumped it is merely a bump on the road. You’ll find authentic love and a relationship that lasts very soon.